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Post by Kiyoshi Nikolai on Jan 9, 2008 3:29:37 GMT -5
What the hell is going on here? I’m fucking lost. Completely and totally lost.
Nikolai was at a total blank as to what was going on, as to what he should do in response, as to what was running inside of that brooding head of Sai-chan‘s. His instincts for fight or flight were on demand and his head was starting to ache from all of the emotions swamping the room he was ultimately trying to keep back. Nik’s eyes burned, matching his other aches, his eyes beaming a red spew of light and emotions that he’d had under control up until he’d met this man. He was lost, confused and growing from uncomfortable to scared in ultimately record time. They had come here for his treats, right? Nik glanced at the blue box sitting open on the table, trying to remember if something little had set this thing off, noting the empty spaces in which he and Saito had partaken from the candies. He’d come here for tea, too, right? He could almost smell the boiling water in the room over, ready to be used, ready to be served. And yet totally ignored.
So then, what had happened?
They’d chatted, about pets, cats, he’d showed his thanks for the lovely treats and the man had seemed relieved by it, he had stupidly even hand-fed the blond one of the candies for no apparent reason. Or rather, no logical one, really. And then his companion had thrown some of his usual flirty banter about, Nik had quite obviously blew the man back with instant rejections in his wake and then……what? Some of those flirty requests had started to gain serious honesty and his rejections had gotten harder as he allowed his emotions to come into play and then, somehow it left them with the blond a heaping mess upon the floor at Nikolai’s feet and Nik staring back down dumbfounded, worried.
But then, what the hell? What happened?
"I'm sorry..." The words of apology were completely unheard of, unexpected, shocking. What was he apologizing for? What had he done wrong? What was making his apology sound so soft, so weak, so broken? "No, don't worry about me. I'm just a wretched creature. Don't even look at me..." Those next words, again filled with that odd, fake strength -quite obviously being used to hide this man’s despairing emotions. Usually Nikolai wouldn’t care if someone got all teary-eyed from something he’d said, but this was different. He wasn’t sure of the cause, really. What’d he do? What’d he say? Damn it, what the hell was really wrong here?
“Sai-chan?” He managed to squeak out, his gloved hand reaching down, seconds away from landing upon the shoulders of that tortured soul, as if to comfort him in some way, as if he could banish away whatever nightmares were plaguing his soul. But he paused in midair, eyebrows narrowing, a frown coming across his pale features before he drew the hand uselessly back to sit beside him. If he had caused this, then what made him think that he knew how to fix it? What made him think that this man even wanted to be in his presence anymore? What made him think that this man would want his touch? Welcome it, even if his hand was rudely gloved?
Nikolai watched without word as Saito sat up miserably, a hand quickly darting to brush underneath his eyes before he breathed in deep and then faced Nikolai’s glowing orbs. The pain in them shocked him. Kept him silent. Kept him frozen. The pain in those ocean depths had him altogether despairing inside, crying out for this lost soul, for this soul he knew couldn’t be broken yet. He wanted to look away, he wanted to hide his gaze from him. He felt altogether exposed, stupid, cold, cruel. And yet he held that gaze, he didn’t even flinch at the man before him studying his red depths. “They’re a side-effect of showing emotion. Showing too much emotion,” he all but whispered, wanting to share something of himself right then. Wanting to apologize but thinking such an action would make him pathetically foolish.
He wasn’t prepared for it though. Never.
He didn’t see the action coming in the slightest, couldn’t imagine why the man would even want to suddenly embrace his lithe frame. He did nothing as those arms wrapped around him solidly, said nothing as his body instantly went all hard and stiff. He played possum as the man brought him up close, close enough to catch his sultry scent again, close enough to feel the strength in the body holding him, close enough to feel the taller man’s wet cheeks against his own skin, to feel the warmth of his breath. He remained stoically silent even as the words seemed to echo about the room -strangely coming in and out of focus, in and out of tune, in and out of voice. As if it was more than one person admitting to those wretched feeling. And other voices followed soon after it as Nik felt the utter fear consume his mind, his eyes going wide in shock and his arms remaining frozen to his sides, trapped in that man’s hug.
"I love you, Kiyoshi-sama!" “I don’t love you – I love him.” “Can't you see? I love you.” “In love with me?” “Just say you love me, Ren-chan.” “I am so hopelessly – hopelessly – hopelessly --!” “Ren... How are you?” “Stop trying to be a part of something that doesn’t want you.” “-you're my everything..." “No. Can't you get it through your head? “ “I don’t know.” “Just looking at you breaks my heart... “ “What happened to you?” “Then shut up.” "What?" “I waited all night for you to get home..." “Now, give me the gun, Freddy; for Christ's sake; give me the fucking gun!" “Attachments are the bane of existence. “ “Tell me that you were only afraid to admit it until now..." "I can't..”
He didn’t see anything although he knew what the voices were. Nightmares. But then again, he was too shocked, eyes unseeing and blindly open for him to be focusing on any such ghosts about the room. The voices, the surge of emotions that soon dirtied his subconscious were enough. He instantly shut down. And yet he still didn’t say anything to the man cradling him, he remained as stoically silent for as long as he could help it. He prayed for control, wished for it, made a mantra of chanting it throughout his head until the voices died down, until the ‘nightmares’ were far from him, until his blazing eyes had settled back to their usual hue of hazel-grey.
The anger that usually came, the fake calm -they had left him too. Replacing him with a tired, destroyed, broken soul. One that would at least try to not blow up any more into this man’s face. But control would only last for too long. And then it’d be too late.
His body finally started responding to him and he squirmed a bit as best he could, making sure to show he didn’t appreciate the closeness, the touch, that he’d prefer to be given some space right that minute. “Hey! C-cut that out, damn you. And I was trying to be nice, you mother fucker! Now let me go.…” The words held a seriousness to them, but little to any harsh, coldness his other rejections had.
The man hadn’t a clue what those three words would do to Nikolai. How much they had already done to him. He couldn’t even begin to understand that those words were forbidden. As much as touching was, as much as getting close was, as much as letting his emotions roam freely was. They were all forbidden.
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