too little [too late]. // kiyoshi-sama.

[Saito Ren]

Ren returned to his apartment at the usual time that night, three in the morning. However, this Ren was slightly younger, about a late eighteen years old. Slightly smaller in size, with shorter hair, but still a recognizable blond. Resolute through his exhaustedness, Ren kept a sharp eye in striding through the green-carpetted apartment hallway, knowing the dangers the night could bring to those who travelled alone. His weariment shown clearly in his baggy eyes and their cloudy texture. Hair was a mess, roughly tousled about and vainly tried to be pressed back. Lipstick stains softly sat upon his shirt collar, which jagged at an odd angle to his roughly thrown-on coat. With a relieved sigh, Ren reached for his keys, only to find that his apartment was already unlocked. "What?" he questioned, opening the door warily and stepping inside.

Ren recognized the color of Freddy's strawberry blond hair, turned away on the floor in front of the couch. A confused, and slightly irritated expression wore on Ren's face as he took of his coat in a hurry, storming around the couch to see what in the world his friend was doing in his apartment at that hour. "Freddy; what the hell are you doing here? I told you to leave me alone... You should be sleeping!" Ren scolded venomously, however, a single noise made him freeze and the blood run cold in his tracks. The small click of a safety going off of a gun. "Freddy..." Ren cautioned, craning his neck to catch a glimpse of the cold, hard weapon in his hands - most likely Ren's own gun, which he kept in his top drawer of his dresser.

"Ren... How are you? I waited all night for you to get home..." Freddy said strangely, almost hysterical with sadness. Here he stood up from the ground to turn to Ren, the gun heavy in his hand, pointed at the ground by his side. Ren swallowed hard, not sure what to make of this situation, "Freddy... Give me the gun..." he warned, extending his pale hand, eyes rivetted on an obviously unstable Freddy, who acted as if he suddenly remembered what he was holding, and held he up to inspect it. "Just, give it here, Freddy..." no response, "Freddy, give me the fucking gun!" Ren demanded, hoping to bring Freddy back from the spell he was under.

"Ren-chan, I have adored you ever since junior high school... Don't you remember us? I was your first boyfriend... We gave each other our virginity. Best friends to the end, right?" Ren nodded, incredulous at how it all was suddenly crashing down, "But I don't want that! Can't you see? I love you. I love you more than anyone on the face of the planet - more than your pathetic "clients" - you're my everything..." Freddy broke, falling subject to crippling sobs, staring up at Ren with the most heartbroken green eyes, "Just say you love me, Ren-chan... Saito Ren, tell me that you love me too... Tell me that you were only afraid to admit it until now..."

There's a reason pride is one of the seven deadly sins. Pride is selfishness, and ignorance. It's what makes people put themselves above, at another's expense, just to make themselves seem righteous. It was pride which sucked Ren into an angry fit of honesty, versus taking his friend into his arms with compassion and understanding. Anger that had been building for the past week every time Freddy would come over an pester him; or persistantly call in the middle of clients. Freddy, who was so spurn with jealousy that he burned half of Ren's client books and called it "helping him". It was pride which made Ren shake his head, clench his fists, and utter the words, "No. Can't you get it through your head? I don't love you!"

"I see then..." was Freddy's eerily emotionless reply, "I can't live without you, Ren; and I am without you..." Freddy's tears ran down his face as he held the gun up to his head, "Freddy... Wait, Freddy, please, no; stop!" Ren screamed, Freddy merely gazing at him adoringly, "Good-bye, Ren. I will always love you." But Ren had bounded into action, easily leaping forward on his long legs to grab Freddy's arm with the gun, sending a bullet ricochetting across the room noisily. The two held firm against each other, Freddy with surprising strength.

"Please, Freddy, you don't want to do this..." Ren pleaded through his gritted teeth, using both hands and all of his exhausted strength to try to pry Freddy's arm away from the direction of his face. Freddy, however, used his arms to try to push Ren off, trying to desperately kill himself, "No, please, Ren, let me go... Just looking at you breaks my heart... Let me free you of my burden!" The two were similarily matched, however, Ren winning by just a hair at a time, "I won't let you do this, Freddy... You can't kill yourself because of another person! It's insane! Now, give me the gun, Freddy; for Christ's sake; give me the fucking gun!"

Ren had it; he was slowly winning the wrenching game, pulling Freddy's arm down away from his friend's body. Unfortunately in the process, ended up pointing it directly at his own. Freddy clenched to try and free himself, sending a bullet down the barrel and firing with a deafening bang. The fight stopped, Ren couldn't even cry out in the surprise of the moment, a small, precise hole engraved in his left pectoral, closer to his armpit than his heart, fortunately. A small hole, but damaging enough to produce a crippling amount of pain and the steady cascade of hot, crimson blood. Ren fell to his knees against the couch, breath shortening as the strangest sensation of drowning alive began to trickle into his conciousness.

"Ren-chan!" Freddy cried, falling down to take his dear love's head in his hands, "Freddy, please; stop this. Help me," Ren pleaded with him, "I love you; I love you; I love you... please; Freddy!" his voice became terrible and frantic as Freddy shook his head in understanding, letting go of his friend, who sunk to the floor; Ren tried to get up, to move against the paralyzing pain. Freddy merely sat back and picked up the gun once more, his last words muted out by Ren's persistent screams, "Freddy, I'm sorry! Freddy! Freddy!" Even as the cops spilled into the room, there was no stopping him from tragically taking his life.

What looked like a suicide felt like a murder.

This was the last memory Ren had of his dearest friend, Freddy. And even though he always tried to remember him sitting on the couch, forcing Ren to watch Titanic with him for the ten-thousandth time; or Ren cooking in the kitchen with Freddy constantly coming around to pull suggestively on his pantloops; or even the humorous arguments about how much of a whore Ren was, and all the jokes which went along with finding a new occupation; for all those laughs, there always seemed to be a dark cloud hanging over his memory. The fact that Ren was severely changed by his job; almost like a zombie. How he cast Freddy away as if his friend meant nothing at all, and his love something to be scoffed at. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.

Ren escorted Nikolai gleefully out of the limo he had inadvertantly "stolen" from Karu-kun, waving to the land-lord on the way up the stairs (as the elevator was constantly broken, or had a habit of becoming broken whenever you rode in it) to the third floor. The complex wasn't terribly disgusting, but it wasn't the Ritz either. Old, smelly green carpet lined the hallway floor against mauve gray wallpaper with attractive brown water stains on the ceiling where the pipes leaked. Apartment number 322 was Ren's own, as he unlocked it (all three locks), and hesitantly allowed Nikolai in, slightly assured that he would be okay.

Inside there was no greiving boy with a gun, but a perfectly neat - however extremely small - apartment. Centrally in front of them was the living area, basically a couch and a television set with a laptop on the coffee table. There was also a small bookshelf, filled with nothing but a few classics and volumes of mysterious black books, all bound with a simple silver lock. No windows either. Separated merely by a wooden wardrobe was Ren's neat queen-sized bed, which took up most of that side. A door in that room led off to the bathroom, and on the opposite side of the living room through an opening was where the cramped kitchen was. Ren shrugged and locked the door behind them, "So, this is it. Cozy, 'neh? Let me get your treats and the tea started..." Ren beamed, trotting off happily into the kitchen, his shirt becoming magically half-way unbuttoned.

Within the kitchen, Ren filled a silver tin kettle with water, setting it on the stove to a boil. Opening one of his higher cabinets with a little effort, Ren pulled out a small blue box wrapped in silver ribbon, coming back into the living room, "I hope you enjoy them... I made so many different kinds because you said you liked everything," Ren shrugged, pulling the ribbon to open the box, which was full of brightly-colored, painted even, candies resembling flowers, birds, or other naturistic items. Beautifully intricate wagashi. Ren's favorite to make.

[Kiyoshi Nikolai]

He must admit that riding in a vehicle usually stopped most ‘nightmares’ from coming to him, even if it was so late out. For he only picked up on emotions and past events of the area he was in, so it made sense that the ability wasn’t as harmful to him as it would have been since he wasn’t actually made to walk right into them. Nikolai really should have been thanking Sai-chan actually, for he would have been made to walk home with his sister had it not been for this turn of events. And it was already way past dark.
He found that he’d enjoyed it fairly well to ride in the back of that limo, something about taking some rich bastard’s car when they were too busy skirting up females and literally making a fool of everyone else around them, it thrilled him. He would have carried his smirk all the way to the University student’s apartment, but then he’d been faced with trying not to be sick when the very man seemed to drive like a lunatic, mad with happiness even as he escorted him out of the vehicle.

So he’d remained stoic and without emotion the whole ride there and then he’d merely followed his companion up the three stories of stairs and on over to the apartment, number 322. There was something about being able to have the talented sight that he had that made him a lot less nosey then others. His eyes didn’t wander from off of the back of his target and he’d even forced himself not to look out of the limo’s windows on the ride there. So it wasn’t much of a mystery that Nikolai equally didn’t peer about the apartment complex and its décor, he didn’t linger at any such place. There was no telling what shadows were lurking in the corners.
He would heavily admit that sometimes it was a good thing to be nosey, to be observant. Hell, his power dealt in those things. It had been the stiff control he’d mastered over the thing that had given him the knowledge he’d needed to escape his captors back then. With his ability he’d been able to notice patterns, note emotions and which ones to goad, to note whom was in charge of whom. He’d even managed to ‘see’ where his mother put the spare key outside their door when he’d been stumbling in pain on his way back.
But right now, in a new place, a different place, somewhere he’d already been warned that held ‘nightmares’ at bay, he didn’t need to be at such a level of security.

There were three different locks on the door that Sai-chan opened up for him rather slowly, as if hesitant to allow Nik entry, almost a cautiousness that had him nodding lightly his acceptance to reassure the man that he was alright. It wasn’t like there was some great chill emanating from the open doorway.
So Saito Ren’s apartment held past memories that were painful. It was sad when your own homes were like that. He couldn’t tell you how many times he’d lost it in the confines of his room only to be given ‘nightmares’ of himself losing it before, over and over again. And then there were the ‘nightmares’ of his family, his parents arguments, his brother’s presence before he’d died, little things like seeing how broken his little sister had been when he’d been taken instead of her.

"So, this is it. Cozy, 'neh? Let me get your treats and the tea started…” he heard his host say, just around the time the man stepped out of his line of sight into what Nik could only assume was a kitchen since he heard running water soon after, followed by a squeaky cabinet. His gray hues gave the room a very brief glance, not wanting to take too much in at ounce due to the unfamiliarity of the place. But what he did manage to catch sight of was a rather empty household, small with a neat little living room in which he occupied at the moment alone, a passageway nearer to him in which his companion had disappeared through, a Television set, coffee table and a couch. It was fairly normal than what he’d have expected of Sai-chan, but then, maybe that was a wrong assumption too.

“It looks too empty, Sai-chan. You need to get a cat or something to welcome you home when you return for the nights,” he muttered oddly, not realizing at all how his words could be taken.
He, himself, owned two dogs and a cat that he positively adored. Ah, he guessed he rarely spoke of them, huh? It seemed as much as animals showed emotions too, theirs weren’t ever strong enough to reach his senses so he found himself often enjoying their company knowing that their ‘nightmares‘ were their own and he didn‘t ever have to face them too. A selfish thing to think really. The cat, Tuff, was really his sister’s but the thing seemed to sleep in his room more than anything though, always fluffed up with all of that dark, black fur coating his favorite pillow. It seemed the long-haired Persian wasn’t at all disliking in the two dogs whom guarded his room for him while he was away.
It was Yo-yo, his long-haired, Amercian Jack Russell Terrier that welcomed him home on most occasions. He’d had the pup the longest and the thing was always barking through the window as he made his way up those steps. Little Heero was more of a timid, dautshound though and always stayed behind, but when he greeted him it was always with that long snout rubbing his face and that long tongue soaking him. He didn’t mind their touches. They weren’t humans. Or demons, for that matter.

He stayed were he was when being allowed in, not going to impose anymore than he already was by assuming he could sit down or anything. It was polite to be given that order first before taking it into your own advice. So he remained standing and stayed just barely in the living room, not far from the now closed door. He wasn’t made to wait for too long though.
"I hope you enjoy them... I made so many different kinds because you said you liked everything.” Sai-chan gushed, his hands holding out to him something rectangular and blue colored, a lithe, silver ribbon that ran around it being pulled off by those talented fingers of his companion and baring the hidden treasures of that box to him. Inside were beautifully formed candies in the forms of birds, flowers, and all of natures charms -quite obviously been made with a lot of depth and concentration and having taken a long time; the things were painted even! And he said he was a terrible artist.

“Y-you made these?” he found himself asking as his pale fingers reached out to take the box from his companion and then to further reach out and touch one of the wonderful things. Suddenly he really was feeling sorry for standing the man up. He could have left his sister in the presence of their dutiful mother. She worked the night shift more than anything and slept during the day so she had definitely been home despite him not hearing a peep from her. He could have left Aya to herself though and at least made it to school for this man’s efforts. And to think, he’d even skipped classes to try and bring them to him.

“Uh,…..thanks. Thanks very much. You sure you don’t want some too, though?” he offered, feeling altogether stupid and embarrassingly cold.

[Saito Ren]

"I had one; a calico named Yuri," Ren mused, handling his silver tea kettle with care after removing it from the tall shelf and filling it with water, looking at his distorted reflection, "I gave it to the girl across the hall after her brother died," Ren sighed setting it on the stove, "She could give it more love than I could... However, I enjoy cats," Ren smiled, bringing out the box, his inner kindness shining through, "You can be my cat if I ever get lonely." was his silly reply. Yuri was in fact a present from Freddy, who had the same idea as Nikolai. With Freddy dead, Ren didn't need any more responsibility... The girl needed a friend. Ren needed nothing and no one.

At least Kiyoshi-sama was a good guest, and not snoopy and scrupulous like the land-lord. Ren figured that he had nothing to worry about at this pace, things were going marvelously well. However, perhaps it was too soon to invite Kiyoshi-sama in the apartment alone. In fact, Ren quite wished that he had brought Ayame along. The reason? Quite simply the intimacy of the situation and Ren's almost pre-programmed responses to having another in the quiet solitude of night. Not to mention Ren's feelings slowly creeping up in the back of his mind. He wasn't trained for good friendships. He was trained to love and to tolerate loniliness... How ridiculously ironic.

Ren smiled slightly as he observed the slightly stunned look on Kiyoshi-sama's face. It was the look which made the long night all worth it. The beautiful intricacies of the little treats made with such arduous care.. so artistically skillful as well. Ren, of course, was a very humble creature. What was there to be proud of? Nothing. And, in fact, Ren wondered if the only reason he was so attracted to Kiyoshi-sama was because the boy was one of the only people on the earth whom did not return Ren's feelings.

"Thank you, Kiyoshi-sama!" Ren beamed at the praise of his master, "Here, let me have one," Ren bent lower to Nikolai's level, his unbuttoned shirt and vest flowing beneath him, exposing his smooth and muscular chest; pushing the hair away from his face, Ren closed his blue eyes and opened his mouth, hinting for what Nikolai was to do. However, Ren sincerely considered that Nikolai would merely yell at him again, which would be okay too. Anything for Kiyoshi-sama. Ren's soul was praying for a beating; a sacrifice. Just perhaps if he could help this boy become real again Ren would receive some sort of validation.

[Kiyoshi Nikolai]

Nik listened dutifully to the idle chatter about Sai-chan’s old cat named Yuri, still trying his hardest not to look about the apartment anymore than necessary and to keep his emotions as far on the down-low as possible, so as to keep his powers under a tight leash for once. He knew it was probably a wasted effort however, for he hadn’t been able to keep control of anything when in this lad’s presence. But he was going to try; they said that the effort was better then nothing, ne?
Besides, how bad could something in this man’s past be if the guy turned out as well as he did in the end? I mean, he supposed some people might be able to internalize things a lot better than he could and hey, maybe they could also move on better too. But his thoughts made him believe that anything that might haunt this room’s memories couldn’t be all that terrible.
In fact, it seemed a bit of his curiosity was being tested here as well as his control. For he’d gotten the urge as soon as his companion questioned if he should really go inside the house or not, he’d almost wanted to let loose a bit and see for a time into this man’s daily life.

He wasn’t a snoop and he wasn’t altogether nosey, really. He was just curious, almost interested, in this enigma of a man that had been forcing his way into Nikolai’s life for the past few days, almost weeks now. He knew a bit about the assistant teacher known as Saito Ren, but that was just it: everything he knew were just acts that roamed the surface, hiding something far deeper in their midst. Almost like him. Exactly like him.
I mean, the man was altogether more open than him, sociable, likable, a total joker and yet he still wasn’t able to figure out what was his game? What was it that made this man tic? What was it that Sai-chan wanted from him? Expected from him?
The answers were in this apartment, if he only ‘looked’ for them. If he only had the courage to look for them. If he only had the courage really to admit to himself that this man might actually mean something to him now. That this man interested him, even in the slightest. The answers to this man’s emotions, to his past, to his daily routine, to how he acted behind those closed doors when no one else was about: it would all be here. That was what a privacy of a home always hid. And that was what his powers could invade if he had but to focus them properly. If he only knew how to harness them. How to embrace them, even -not fear them.

He contemplated this mystery as Sai-chan spoke of the cat, as he filled the kettle and set the tea atop the stove to warm and then grabbed his hand-made treats and brought them over to him. As the beautiful man came back into focus, he dropped his darker thoughts again, imploring himself inwardly that he was sorely in need of a hobby in which broke his ‘over-thinking’ practice as the man in front of him caught him off-guard with his final ‘cat’ comment and Nikolai did something he hadn’t known he could do yet until that moment. Hadn’t known himself to have done in years.
"You can be my cat if I ever get lonely.”

He blushed.

A heavy red flush filled his cheeks at the altogether, flirty statement and he didn‘t at all understand why he‘d feel so embarrassed by them. He knew the words weren’t really meant, just another of the senseless comments that often spilled from this man’s mouth, and yet the implications made him uncomfortable.
He probably would have literally ran from the apartment had he known Saito’s deeper thoughts and actual dilemma on what to do next. He too was wishing for his sister’s comforting presence, for she would have been able to keep him balanced and some of those altogether ridiculous thoughts of his wouldn’t have come into being. But then, he doubted he’d have liked to put Aya in such a situation. As he’d realized earlier, he knew little about this man. He was still a stranger to him. And he didn’t need to have his young sister in the midst of a stranger, a flirty, player of a stranger at that. One that often had him losing control.

No, he’d made the right decision. Besides, he’d have been a different man in his sister’s presence. Calmer, gentler, and overly protective -it was likely he didn’t need to show that part of himself fully to this ‘stranger’ yet.
Actually, did this mean he really did lie to Ayame again?

Akwardly, his blush deflated and he took the offered treats in his hand as a different embarrassment came over him at how much work had obviously been put into the things. He felt shameful really at thinking of Sai-chan as a stranger now.
No, he trusted this enigma of a man. And so he’d definitely made the right decision.

Nikolai stored away the newest development of seeing how humble Saito was about his work, something he hadn‘t really expected to see in him. How altogether unselfconscious the man seemed. He kind of didn’t even feel as if the man was giving himself any credit at all really. Which was sad, very much so. Making him wonder as to what must have made him hate himself so much, because that was essentially what he was doing. He seemed to hate and/or blame himself for something, in which made him unable to feel as if he was doing much good for the others around him.
He recognized this in him because he’d been that way too before, still was in a way. His sister and mother were the difference in him though -he knew he could do some good for them. Had done good for them, in fact. Which was his only salvation, for he feared that there would be a time in which he wouldn’t be able to protect them again. He overcompensated for this now. Which seemed to be his way of dealing with the self loathing emotion.
But this man before him didn’t have such an out.

"Thank you, Kiyoshi-sama!" Sai-chan beamed back at him, confusing the dear student a bit. What did he need to be thanked for now? He’d just thanked him, wasn’t the proper response a ’you’re welcome?’ "Here, let me have one," was the man’s further reply to Nik’s question of if the man wanted some of his lovely creations. As Nik reached into the box to pick one out for him though he brought his gaze back up to a whole different situation. One in which he was blushing over again.
Damn, what was wrong with him tonight?

Saito Ren was bent a bit down to his own height, in which he hadn’t really realized was that much shorter than the University student. At some point it seemed the man’s shirt had come undone or something, for now Nik was noticing the all too tempting exposed skin of that chest that peeked out from the binds of the unbuttoned shirt and tight vest. His hair was flowing richly about him, out of his face so that he could close his eyes and have his mouth open in such a way that was to ask of Nik to hand-feed him the candy now shaking in his hand.
“Fine then.“ He answered, wrinkling his nose at the sight given to him at that moment. It was altogether very provocative and suggestive as most every move Sai-chan made and yet this one was being tolerated for some reason: for Nikolai found himself quickly pulling on one of his leather gloves from his back pockets, sliding the thing on his dominant hand and then slipping a candy in between those smooth lips as had been requested.
The gloves he kept on him at all times, leather dark things they were and his old school had believed him to have some type of germ phobia to have worn them so much. But his phobia wasn’t to germs. But to touch. To people. He guessed Hidamari would think the same as the old school though, for he’d gotten plenty of comments on them so far. Actually, he was surprised he still had them in his back pockets for tonight. Because his spare glasses hadn’t been on him too, unfortunately. And he’d quite obviously not seen ahead of time that any of this would happen. He was very thankful of whatever had made him keep them on his possession tonight. Tonight when he’d been supposed to finish writing that damn paper.

But he didn’t at all understand what had compelled him to just hand-feed this University student a candy. It was stupid. The man had hands, didn’t he?
And he’d done it even before he’d given himself the pleasure of tasting them. In which he did so now, grabbing one of the things and popping it into his mouth before he thought twice about whatever could be in them.

[Saito Ren]

Daily life for Sai-chan was nothing very glamorous, or exciting for that matter. He got up early to go to school and came home to finish homework studiously as possible. In fact, unless the phone rang, Ren never said a word nor even turned on the television. Sitting at the coffee table with laptop in hand, surrounded by books with his hair pulled up into a casual pony tail Ren would sit and work for about two hours, putting more effort into his work than most people would. It was important to Ren, to do well in school. He was working hard in order to be here, so he might as well get as much out of it as possible. Education was everything to Ren. It was everything that would keep him from ever going back to the streets again. It was a matter of life or death.

Once satisfied, a nap would commence on the old bed on the other side of the room. Ren would experience instantaneous, effortless sleep undisturbed by nightmares or other unsavory things. In fact, his sleep was so peaceful that it was his favorite activity to do nowadays. Just to rest his mind, soul, and body for a while. Beautiful sleep saved him from the world, only to be interrupted the ringing of his cell phone kept closely by to the tune of Britney Spears. If it wasn’t a client, it was the alarm, beckoning him to the shower in order to prepare. Those few moments of undressing and dressing and brushing and cleaning seem the quietest and most subdued. From the chest at the end of his bed a selection for a costume may be made for a certain client, and then it’s out the door by eleven.

The phone, of course, disrupts the miserable silence. A client calls, and he sounds very neutral of voice and professional; taking down his most recent black book and scribbling away the order. He knows exactly what questions to ask and what answers he wants. There is neither judgment, nor comfort in his voice, merely duty. Proficiency. He acts like a grown-up. But when the phone rings and it is not a client – but a friend or school-mate, it’s as if the heavens have opened up and the room feels brighter. Ren glows, smiles, and is happy that somebody had the thought to call him – for any reason – even if Ren doesn’t want to admit that he’s lonely.

He doesn’t return until morning, four at the latest, three usually, dragging his exhausted carcass along. Desensitization has made him lackluster for the women, every time it seems to take more and more energy in order to perform up to standard; faking the excitement, acting out the intimacy. Now he is glad for the silence which surrounds him. His anger has been spent. Anger being the only emotion he plays well in the bedroom. But he returns defeated and falls onto the bed, instantly unconscious. Then it starts all over again as he rises for school; diligently going through the day exactly as the one before him. Happiness comes in the form of an unexpected task… or meeting someone new.

Emotions don’t give way like they used to. Back when Freddy was alive, Ren was always so profoundly emotional. He was often angry and vicious, openly upset with himself and his situation. But that fire, however horrible, gave him diligence; it gave him strength and a desire to pursue a way out of this hell-hole with nothing to stop him. Sadness and depression used to rack his body to the highest degrees of break-downs. But that sadness kept him acutely aware of where he was at all times. Now, after Freddy’s death, there was nothing but guilt. Ren felt guilty for being angry and sad for only selfish reasons. Not realizing there was someone else there until it was too late. Guilty for saying he was a good artist when he had killed a far greater one.

From Nikolai’s distant position, Ren could only see a bit of his face, but would recognize a blush from a million miles away. So sweet, to see that sort of warmth come into such a cold, taunt face. Such a pretty, youthful face Nikolai had; so pure. There was something whimsical about it which none of Ren’s clients possessed. They had gray-gone faces or tanned and wrinkled skin. They smelt of smoke and booze, drenched in idleness and decay. Rotting smiles, rotting bodies, all old and craving for something Ren could never truly replenish. They searched for youth in Ren, immortality. All the while, Ren could only face his short years left.

In his very humiliating position, Ren waited complacently. Ren seemed to be more accepting of being inferior to Nikolai; in fact, he quite liked it. About ninety-nine percent of the time Ren always played the aggressive one; on top and what-not. Here Ren would like nothing more for Nikolai to suddenly slap him across the face, push him to the ground, and proceed to tear his clothes off; all the while Ren would lay in such ravishing pain and exhilarating misery. But, of course, Nikolai wouldn’t be so bold Ren figured as the piece of candy was popped delicately into his mouth, the warm smell of leather entering in Ren’s nostrils. What? Ren opened his eyes and chewed, surprised at the leather gloves. Was this some sort of insult? Who knew? Kiyoshi-sama was weird.

However, Ren felt bad for being such a hypocrite. The selfish side of him wanted Nikolai’s aggression and dismay – his young, powerful body. But the other side said that it wasn’t the way to go. That Ren should be happy that Nikolai made an effort to oblige Ren – even with the stupid leather gloves. That this was the start of something better – for Nikolai. It was like one of those angel/devil on your shoulder moments. They whispered into Ren’s ear, only allowing him to have mixed feelings and indecisiveness.

"Mmm... Thank you Senpai," Ren grinned, standing up to chew and swallow, "Very sweet. Perhaps I went a little too crazy on the sugar, eh? The strawberry ones are good though," Ren shrugged before pointing to the little pink candies at the back of the box. And it would seem that if Ren had put too much sugar in, it must've been by a very imperceptible amount. It was merely his nerves and self-deprecation speaking. Ren happily gestured to the couch, hoping that Nikolai would be more comfortable sitting. Ren sat on the floor in front of the coffee table, idly wiping away a bit of dust with his sleeve.

"Perhaps you'd like to stick something else in my mouth?" Ren blurted out, and laughed at himself soon after. It was the nervous energy; his body instantly getting worked up over being alone with another human being. It was like Pavlov's dogs, especially when it took so much effort nowaday anyway. The good side of Ren scolded him for the senseless comment, while the bad side relished it and waited for the response from Nikolai it would instigate.

[Kiyoshi Nikolai]

It tasted sweet. Sugary sweet, with a small hint of some type of fruity aftertaste, probably cherry if he put to mind what it actually tasted like. He hadn’t had anything cherry in a while. Not too long ago but still a while.
Nik liked the candy even and he had to admit inwardly that he hadn’t really expected anything less, especially of Sai-chan. The man seemed to perform things in such a perfection ate way, dutiful even. Nikolai knew he had a bit of a sweet tooth anyway, or so said his mother every time she came back from the grocery store with his favorite chocolate truffles. But then, he believed everyone had a mind to like chocolate, right? It wasn’t like he was obsessed with the tasty treasures. Not really, anyway. No. Never.

"Mmm... Thank you Senpai. Very sweet. Perhaps I went a little too crazy on the sugar, eh? The strawberry ones are good though.” The words were recognized again as that odd bit of humbleness he could easily associate with. And he watched the man in front of him offhand as he chewed and swallowed his own piece of candy, forgetting to remove the one glove he’d placed on as he reached his hand inside the candy box again for the strawberry kind he’d just been informed about. He wanted to say something though in the man’s defense, for some reason.
“You did well enough. It tastes just fine, not too sweet and not too bland. The shapes are what seem so well done though, artistically, if you don‘t mind me saying.” His complements would stop there however, you never knew what this man might do with so many of them in a row. But he’d wanted to at least say that much in favor for him. Besides, he really didn’t have anything further to say on the matter. Nik felt the man didn’t give himself enough credit, but then, he wasn’t one to push too far in that direction. There’d be no point in arguing over something so silly and he doubted he’d be able to change Sai-chan’s mind at the moment.

Without comment he took Saito’s gesture to the couch as his word of permission to sit down and surged forward to sit his ass comfortably onto the nicely cushioned couch. His eyes almost darted across the room again to search the unfamiliar place out, but he caught himself and removed his attention to focus then on the man that had just plopped himself down onto the floor in front of that coffee table. The man whom was at the center of every current question residing in Nik’s mind.
He realized though, that with the candies that he sat down atop the coffee table, he’d completed his mission for this evening and could kindly excuse himself if he wanted to. But Sai-chan would most likely pout and he’d been promised tea even, which made it his obligation to stay for at least that amount of time. Longer.

"Perhaps you'd like to stick something else in my mouth?" The blurted words would have made him blush earlier, but he was in far greater control of his roaming emotions now that he’d sat down. It was so amazing what an anchor of the body could do with that embarrassment, and he was glad for the couch’s place as he looked down at Sai-chan disapprovingly. He leaned forward just a bit, so much so he could rest his gloved arm atop one knee and then cradle his chin with that hand, the leather touching his skin making his still feel a bit uncomfortable.

“As in a gag? So you’ll shut the fuck up with all of this implying chatter?” he suggested calmly, a bit too much calmly actually. In a way that it showed he was indeed serious and not at all enjoying himself in this conversation.

[Saito Ren]

Ren smiled slightly at Nikolai's comments, which really warmed his heart. That was practically the nicest thing to leave Nikolai's mouth since their relationship began. Of course, Ren only took the compliment because it was Nik who said it, not because he was proud or anything (even though it did make Ren feel the slightest bit better about himself). The change of attitude was welcomed, and Ren felt very relaxed once more, as if he wasn't been scrutinized and hunted down like he used to whenever he addressed Nikolai. So the kid wasn't such a brat afterall...

Ren was happy that Nikolai decided to sit down - which most likely meant he was okay to stay for a little longer. However, the guy seemed a little tense, as if he was trying to remain as inconspicuous as possible (like he always did; especially with emotions and all that). Ren looked to the kitchen quizically, if only to take his eyes off of Nikolai for a little bit, wondering if at any moment the kettle would go off for the water. However the gas in this place was less than reliable - especially at winter. It was, indeed, a crap-shoot to get a consistent flame. But judging from the bit of steam, Ren figured it wouldn't be long now.

From the position on the floor, Ren found the angle to be flattering for Nikolai - looking up at him, that is. However, the most recent comment didn't seem to inspire the same reaction as the cat comment. Too many things were beginning to add up, unfortunately. The positioning, the leather glove, Nikolai's disaproving scold, and such talk about gags, fucking, and implying. It was all wrong, wrong, wrong. Surely Nikolai wasn't doing all those things to purposefully antagonize Ren; but the older male was catching at the buzz words like crazy. He was craving something to smoke all night. Perhaps something to suck on would rid him of this oral fixation and calm him down.

"Oh, gags could be fun..." Ren said again, but stood up and walked over to his coat-rack, checking the pockets hurriedly, "Then ropes, and a blindfold?" he added on mischeviously. However, going through each pocket he found nothing but an empty box. Damn it. Ren tossed the box into the trash bin and stared at it for a moment before gracefully walking back to couch and perched himself on the arm, allowing himself a side-long glance at Nikolai. There was no hope for him now.

[Kiyoshi Nikolai]

Such very little self esteem in himself. Very little self confidence, even. You wouldn’t know it at all with the man’s bright and social personality, the way he made everyone fall all over him and the way he had every soul brightened within his vicinity, if even just the slightest. As was the deal with Nikolai. He was so very, well, perky-happy in the classroom, flirty and joking with every last breath. But it seemed that the only joy he had for himself was the joy of giving it away to others.
The man was literally a candle to those around him, brightening them with his own warmth even if it was just a warmth he was sharing to all of those around him and leaving none for himself. If you used the fuel of one candle for too long to light the others, it’d burn out in the end. He’d seen the result in himself when he’d been the same way. Before he’d had the small outlet he’d given himself with his family.
But this man didn’t seem to have an out at all, as if he just dutifully lived to fulfill the needs of others. He couldn’t recall a time even if the man had spoken about his own family. Did he have one?

Where was his out? Who was going to fulfill the needs of Sai-chan?

Nikolai told himself that it was neither his business nor his worry to care about such a thing. But the thought nagged at him along with several others as he continued to inwardly debate over the enigma of Saito Ren.
He didn’t like the idea at all of people living for others without any care or worry to themselves. He supposed he was still that way too though. For Nik really didn’t have much of a future planned out, he never thought about it. As much as he was always thinking, it never came to mind. Somewhere inside, he knew he was really only living for his family and not his own needs. He really didn’t have anything he was aspiring to achieve or want. He didn’t have anything he cared to become once he finished school. He doubted he’d even get that far with the sore lack of control he held over himself.
No, the only reason he hadn’t ‘offed’ himself already was because of Ayame. Because of the needs of his dear mother. And his dogs. The cat. His family.
He still didn’t live for himself and it‘d probably take one huge wake-up call for him to fix this outlook someday.

Which meant it was pointless to lecture the man in front of him on such a despairing future when he was in the same boat.
Joy. Such lovely thoughts he had. They were both doomed, so who gives a shit-? Was that really the way his thought process took him? It was sad. So much so he almost wanted to burst out laughing. Confused? Good.

He followed the movement of his companion’s as the man looked over toward the kitchen at the light steam you could barely see rising. Somehow he doubted though that the action meant Sai-chan was just as pleased at the fact that the tea would be finished soon and so would his unexpected visit to this house, alone. No, he was sure the man was more amused and enjoying himself than Nik was, but then -it was kind of hard to ever enjoy yourself when you could rarely let down your guard. Especially so if he had to keep a leash on his emotions too.
Too busy battling with himself, Nikolai had no clue what his effect on Saito was or what he was doing with his blunt comments or words and just, his presence alone inside that apartment, seemed to muster. He didn’t realize that it was he who was doing the pushing this time instead of the other way around. The naïve boy didn’t even understand how much the University student must be holding back, he hadn’t a clue.

It wasn’t that he was really this naïve, or stupid really. It was just that he was so used to shutting himself off from everything and everyone, that little things like this seemed to skip pass his observations now.

"Oh, gags could be fun..." The man finally answered as he got to his feet and seemed to skitter over to some sort of a coat-rack. Grey hues followed the movement as he popped one of those strawberry candies into his mouth now, avoiding touching himself with his own hand as he remained in his earlier leaning-position. With that glove holding his head up lazily. Nik almost wished to ask what the man was doing as he hurriedly pulled out the pockets of wonderfully stylish coats and normal-looking jackets. Yet it wasn’t really his place to ask such a thing and it would also imply that he was curious enough to care. Which he wasn’t. Well, not so much, anyway. "Then ropes, and a blindfold?"
Fine, okay. Not enough to want to admit to it to Sai-chan then.

The mischievous words again had him wrinkling his nose in distaste, but not so much at Sai-chan this time, although he doubted the man would be able to tell the difference. Thank god. No, this time he was wrinkling his nose disapprovingly at himself, for the altogether bad images those implied words brought to mind. And he continued to insult himself inwardly as the man tossed some sort of empty box into a nearby trash bin before turning to walk back toward him.
That’s right, Saito smoked -didn’t he? That must have been what he’d been searching for inside of those coat pockets. Now that he was thinking about it, he did catch the subtle hint of the smoky scent that permitted the air of the house. The man hadn’t really smoked around him once since he’d known him, but then, he’d always been inside of his school building when meeting with him anyway. But he’d caught hints that the beautiful lad was a smoker before so it wasn’t that surprising now. In fact, the scent hadn’t upset him once yet, which was quite odd since he didn’t altogether approve of smoking.
With Sai-chan, it somehow seemed right.

But now the beauty was perching himself oddly on the arm of the couch, right beside Nikolai, eyeing him with a glance the younger boy thought he might want to steer clear of. If it wasn’t too late.
“Do you ever sit on anything the right way?” he absently wondered aloud, glaring a bit now in the blonde’s direction as he took out another strawberry sweet and handed the box over to Sai-chan for him to have as well. He really didn’t notice the almost habitual action of using the hand with the black glove already placed over it. “And ‘no’ to the eccentric gags. That’d just be going overboard.”


But it was, wasn’t it?

Too little, too late.

[Saito Ren]

Ren’s tepid blue eyes looked askance towards Nikolai, who was seated statuesquely only a foot away. This sidelong look was akin to that of a poor child thinking about stealing, or a person in the midst of suicidal thoughts where rhetorical questions press their mind: is it forgivable? Is one even permitted to entertain the idea? Is it permissible? All of those notions hidden in secrecy as a private dialogue. Ren wondered if he looked at Nikolai’s breathlessly intelligent and austere face, would Nikolai see the dialogue. Not of suicide and thieving, of course; but Ren’s plaintive wish to merely touch Nik without being cast aside? Would Nik be able to see Ren’s mind whirl; would it be so embarrassingly obvious how Ren wished that time would stand still?

But Nikolai didn’t like Ren’s touch. Ren wasn’t so oblivious not to be adding up all the times Nikolai tensed whenever he was only inches away, or all the "don’ts" involved. Even the gloved hand made it appear so terribly obvious. But why? It tore Ren to pieces to think up reasons why Nik couldn’t seem to stomach even the simplest forms of contact. Was it his powers that did it to him… or something, else? Ren wondered if he could just hold on to Nikolai if it would help him at all… Just for Nik to not feel like he was surrounded by intangible ghosts all his life. But, as much as Ren craved to help; he had no idea what horrors Nikolai had been through.

Still, Ren felt so goddamn happy whenever he looked upon Nikolai. Restoring someone else always looked so much easier than restoring oneself. Perhaps it was merely because Ren was slowly seeing nothing wrong with his life – becoming ever so exhaustingly desensitized and disillusioned. Nikolai was idyllic in appearance, wealthy, and had a wonderful sister. He was talented and smart and possessed a great amount of power – incredible powers, really. And if it weren’t for all the astounding amount of darkness, Nikolai would’ve probably been a very lovely person for someone, or a great man. Ren would see to it that whatever was prohibiting Nikolai had to be abolished. The consideration was quite vicarious.

"I will, if that's what you desire," Ren replied, shrugging coolly. He had to turn his head fully now, to look at the box of treats and Nikolai directly. That was very considerate of the youth yet again. Ren, however, did not seem so interested in the treats, as he was in Nikolai. Anxiety filled his being for some strange reason - perhaps merely because of the antagonizing thoughts which were running through his head. Just little questions, little fantasies which usually came to the minds of those around him - but that Ren was now experiencing a bit of fan-boy syndrome, which felt as comfortable as colic.

"No thanks, I've eaten enough today... Unless, of course, you'd like to feed it to me," Ren replied unconsciously, taking the box from Nikolai's hand furtively, purposefully stroking the leather glove during the course of the action. Innocent enough, however the leather seemed so callous in comparison to the true softness of Nikolai's flesh. Ren sat the box down on the coffee table while maneuvering off of the chair's arm to sit softly on the seat next to Nikolai. From the closer proximity Ren could feel the presence of Nikolai's body and the slight smell of his heavenly soaps. Even though Ren was fairly skinny, the couch seemed infinitely smaller now. Even Ren's voice seemed to lower with the closeness.

“And ‘no’ to the eccentric gags. That’d just be going overboard.” Ren wondered silently where masochism came from... And if Nikolai was even the slightest bit interested. Why do some people derive such sexual pleasure from pain and humiliation? Was it for the excitement; the rush or the thrill? Or did it come from some place much darker... A place where punishment is what a person really wants. To be miserable, and the fact that it's a turn on merely a side-effect. Ren wondered what he would be gaining to feel pain and pleasure at the hands of Nikolai. What was it he wanted from such a boy? Sometimes Ren felt great shame in his perverted nature. But that's just the way it was, as it would seem.

"Kiyoshi-sama," Ren started hesitantly, taking a moment to lower his voice to a mere whisper, as if there was someone else in the room, "Would you lay with me?" he asked softly, and as the question left Ren's sultry lips, even in its whispered form it seemed to fill the entire room. No games here. Ren was being blatant; having teased, hinted, and chided enough for weeks. Now they were here, alone, at night, with candy and the promise of tea - not to mention Ren's beating heart and unfullfilled desires. And the stoic beauty of Kiyoshi Nikolai. There was something all too hauntingly serious in Ren's words; not like the playfully flirtatious chatter he was accustomed to.

[Kiyoshi Nikolai]

"I will, if that's what you desire." He was being too nice, too polite. It was almost eerie, almost unreal. Fake. He shouldn’t have been asking to be ordered about like that, he shouldn’t have even considered the blunt, honesty of Nik’s as anything less than rude. He shouldn’t have been staring over at him with those intense blue eyes. Eyes that held desires behind them he already had understood were in the making. Desires he knew he could very well soothe. If he had but to try.
They were both being this way, actually. Both being polite, both tolerating, both desiring something, even if they hadn’t a clue as to what. And in the swirling callousness of posing as something you are not -it was only a matter of time before one of them dropped the act. Dropped the façade and brought their true feelings, true desires into being. Only a matter of time.
Because it was too late.

Nikolai could feel the familiarity about it in the air of the room, the cold hard truth that despite any amount of power on his side at that very moment: he wouldn’t make it to the door even if he ran. It was too late. He was trapped. Trapped in the warm, burning gaze of that beautiful male. Too late to look back on the mistakes, too late to try and rethink why the hell he’d put himself in such a compromising situation, too late to stop what was ultimately going to play out here. He wouldn’t be able to leave the room.
While he was assured that the blonde before him was quite a gentleman and would definitely allow him any requests he might have. He knew it was too late to leave.
Because it wasn’t something he’d ask for himself now.

He was far from being a masochist, he despised pain. But pain, torment, it always found him despite any wish on his part.

Although, most of the time he found himself wishing for it all his own now.
Because he deserved it.

"No thanks, I've eaten enough today... Unless, of course, you'd like to feed it to me." The words were spoken with little meaning behind them, almost as if his attention was certainly elsewhere, as if the returned comment was habitual. Like most of the flirting words that fell from his lips. They were fake, too practiced, too hurried, too unreal.
And he understood where the University student’s true attention and reply was as he felt the light tingle along his hand climb up the feeling in his arm as Saito took the candy box from his gloved hand and consequently stroked that palm at the same time.

Nik’s eyes narrowed as he retrieved his hand none too gently, following the man’s movement as he sat the box back down on the coffee table and then slid into the empty space on the couch.
Right beside him.
Well, joy. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to scold him about how he sat on things. For now the male was actually sitting correctly, correctly and very close in proximity that is. For although still being discreet and moderately innocent, the man’s presence could be felt, the warmth of his body heat, his scent filling up Nik’s personal space and mixing with the sugary-sweet scent of the candies. If he moved, that long flow of blond locks was bound to hit his shoulders. Was bound to ‘touch’ him.
He could imagine what it felt like from the brief touch of it he’d had tonight while greeting the floor for the second time. Soft, light, almost like lace, almost like his puppy’s long fur.

"Kiyoshi-sama." He fairly jumped at his own name, so entranced into thought by the feeling of that man’s gorgeous hair and he hadn’t at all realized his usual instincts had perked up by the man’s proximity. Nikolai was tense, very much so, that even the light whisper of his name from that man’s lips, the name that was almost displaced to him so reverently -it had him flinching.
Such a weakness it was. Such a pathetic reaction. It seemed his control was slipping already and so he’d desperately try to ignore the ache that was coming behind his eyes and the dull sound of other whispers that were now accompanying that little, cozy room. Voices he didn’t recognize completely, voices that he could feel rather than hear.

"Would you lay with me?"

The words almost echoed, he thought. For they seemed to repeat themselves about the tunnels of his mind over and over again. He could feel the swell of emotions about the room starting to eat up that mind and the walls he’d formed since childhood that prevented the entry. A light gasp of shock, the exhale of air at such a random and very honest request left the air and he felt the sting of his eyes becoming sharper -knowing the red hue was probably in effect now.
He wanted to close his eyes, he wanted to throw his hands over his ears. Do anything to stop from hearing those honest words -but insight decided to knock politely back onto his door and he calmly brought himself back under control.

“What the fuck is your problem, you god damn lush!?” He knew their acting was far gone -the real terror would start now. Dimly he understood that he was still as tense as ever and after throwing such a harsh rejection back at the man, Nikolai pushed himself over to the other side of the couch.
He could still see the deft glow of his eyes off of the tangle of his eyelashes if he looked to the side, but he’d never understood really how to turn those things off when they started going wild. He supposed he still needed to stop the flow of his emotions. He might have clamped down the ones in this room, but his own were still fiercely in effect.

[Saito Ren]

Perhaps it wasn't right - for Ren to be so direct, so serious. He was "Sai-chan" afterall; he was supposed to be the careless natural beauty who teased and playfully harrassed others. Nikolai was supposed to be the serious one. The blatantly honest one to the point of seeming cruel. But Sai-chan... Wasn't exactly a figment, but he wasn't real either. "Sai-chan" was what people took Ren to be. That was what they wanted from him, so idealistically. A pet. A plaything, or a toy. A doll, in fact. But the man in the room wasn't Sai-chan, he was Ren. He was... not perfect.

Freddy often commented on how "sick" Ren was. Disillusioned. His mind was "thwarted" by such a hard life. Stress. Responsibility. Sacrifice. Those three words, such strong words, were what Freddy said was going to "ruin" Ren. They contributed to his "disease" of nymphomania, but Ren could never stand to listen to such talk. How could anything Ren do for the sake of his family and his education ever turn out to be bad? Don't the ends justify the means? So prostitution was sick; but Ren wasn't a stranger to sex before that. It was a way to make ends meet. It was a way to get his god-damn father out of prison, keep a roof over his mother's house, and allow him to create a better life. It was temporary. It's only fucking temporary, Freddy!

But it wasn't. It changed a very nice boy into a very cruel man and then into a very sick ghost. The damage done was slowly becoming less and less obvious, which made it all the more dangerous. And there is no worse form of self-loathing than that of realizing how much you let yourself down. How much you failed not only yourself, but the people around you. Lying on a daily basis to your own parents, friends, and teachers. Lying to yourself. Not even realizing it.

Ren could almost hear the sound of the shit hitting the fan. Ren had caught Nikolai - he knew he had by seeing the burning fire in Nikolai's once gray eyes. There was emotion there; there was feeling; a damn moment of being touched by something greater than a fallacy. There was reality in all its scarey, tragic, and horrifying glory. Right in front of them. Each man with his own demons, each dealing with themselves and with one another. Each being pushed to the brim - to the very breaking point where anything could happen. Ren was frozen on his side of the couch. He didn't want to think anymore.

Emotions clawed at his throat, engaged in every fiber of his being. The tingling sensation at his fingertips made Ren clench his fists and the desperation suddenly racked his body into random shivers. Nikolai's words seemed to shatter the entire room into millions of pieces. The loudness and pure energy made Ren wince. The fine line between obsession and madness had been crossed, and Ren was merely holding on for the emotional ride. He looked to Nikolai imploringly, like a starving dog who'd been beaten after stealing a bone.

"Will you please, at least, take your shirt off?" Ren's voice waivered, his fretted expression gently casting a bit of fervent sweat across his brow, "I promise, I won't touch you!" Ren added on desperately, practically begging. He just wanted to see... just wanted to look at Nikolai's fine, youthful body and savor it in his mind. Perhaps only to put Nikolai's face on another's body, a single image in order to make the sexual transitions on his clients easier. The sickness, the fever, the madness. It was possessive. It was what was left of Ren stripped of Sai-chan.

[Kiyoshi Nikolai]

There was something seriously wrong with him.

With Sai-chan.

There was something just screaming to be heard, something just crying to be held, something just dying to be loved. Nikolai felt it, saw it in the suicidal desires running around the insides of his oceans. There was something wrong. Wrong in the effect of a person kissing their sibling, wrong in the effect of a mother abusing their child, wrong in the effect of one committing suicide.
There was something broken about Saito Ren.

He’s not broken. He’s destroyed. There aren’t any pieces you can fix with him. There’s nothing. He is who he is now. And we’ll have to deal with it like that.

The remembered words of his sister’s did not bring him comfort, did not inspire him to enjoy the truthfulness of her statement. For they could very well be placed here, alongside this man before him. But was it completely true? He knew it was too late for himself, he’d never dreamed of being ‘saved.’ But for this man? Had he been destroyed? Was there anything left to salvage?

He wasn’t the type to give up, not until he was broken and bleeding and unable to continue and even still he wouldn’t satisfy himself with the thoughts of defeat. Not anymore.
But was it his business to care in this particular situation? Should it really matter to him if Saito Ren was destroyed? Defeated? Crushed?
Rather, he’d brow-beat the blond earlier when speaking about Hikaru: saying how people like them shouldn’t throw the same pain they’ve faced back at another. He could recognize the pain and so he supposed that’s why he felt the need to stop it.
But was that enough of a reason to butt in? Wasn’t it hypocritical to stop this man from facing what he’d faced, when Nik knew he had failed that same dilemma? Wasn’t it stupid to think this man could do what he couldn’t? Wasn’t it pathetic on his part to push his feelings onto another?
Was he turning just as crazy as Sai-chan was?

The figure watched, for once, as someone else flinched instead of him. Flinched at his cold words, the rejection being thrown into the apartment air in such a wild, loud manner. He watched as the man started to shake, to shiver, almost trembling. And the evil excitement that came upon Nikolai’s heart had his red glow beaming wilder, because for once he had the reins of fate. He was allowed to decide the outcome of this meeting. He wasn’t sure why he felt it was better to have his companion uncomfortable though. But he was almost smiling from the feeling. Were these really his own emotions right now? Sometimes he had to really check and see, for the ‘nightmares’ eventually forced their own twisted, sickening, dirty emotions onto him -violating his mind with their vile intensions. Maybe that was why he was thje way he was -he was dirty, infected, destroyed.
He was still sitting, still placed solidly in his seat on the other side of the couch, still not moving. And yet the room spun, his confusing emotions swamping him over.

"Will you please, at least, take your shirt off?" came the second, bluntly honest request, the man’s voice small and unsure of himself, reminding Nikolai of a tiny mouse caught in a trap, seconds away from the cat’s pawing at it.
“No, I won’t strip-tease for you, bastard. No matter how much you pay me.” The words, hissed subtly between his thin lips were devoid of any real hatred. But anger was still present, anger and a bit of prideful glee at being able to continue to reject the man so. This is what happened when he released his emotions, they were so raw, so huge, so confusing -he always ended up in a rage. In a powerful, confusing, altering rage with nothing but himself to inflict the anger upon.
This time, however, he had a different object to let loose his anger onto.

"I promise, I won't touch you!" The man was begging him, and for such a stupid, insane thing. Like the promise of seeing Nikolai fully would ‘save’ him. He couldn’t even begin to understand the request. And he didn’t want to. He suddenly didn’t want to understand this man at all. He was too much like himself.
Nik didn’t think he could handle the burden of trying to control, trying to ‘save’ another soul just like himself. It’d be too much. It was probably already too late.
All he could do was glare his intense dislike and distaste for the insane place of conversation their visit had oddly become of. Forgetting completely that the only reason he was still there was for the tea he’d been generously offered. It didn’t matter now.

He had a feeling he was going to be leaving in a bit of a rush. For if this man was anything like himself, he wouldn’t give up on whatever twisted thoughts were going about his mind right then.
This realization zapped Nikolai of his anger, returning him to a cold and shocked state of fear.
Fear for what was ultimately going to happen next.

Fear for the ‘touch.’

[Saito Ren]

Cold; honest; detached; blatant; evasive. Those were the words usually used to describe Nikolai. But now; he was terrifyingly different. He was angry. Not a very filling sort of angry, but more of a swept up in the current type of angry - much like Ren had merely empty lust, but it looked powerful enough. Nikolai was now the dominating force. It was as if two new people were in the room. A totally unnerved Ren, and a fire-eyed Nikolai. Both subject to their own rivetting emotions; both hanging on for the ride. Both. They were the same.

Nikolai's aggressive words felt like another lasp of a whip against Ren's already unstable mentality. The words make him loose a bit of breath, disallowing his body to stay so seated any longer. Ren pushed himself down to floor next to the couch, crumpled, his face hidden beneath cascades of hair. The wrong words again: strip-tease; bastard; pay me. Ren looked up at Nikolai imploringly; no, no he would never pay Nikolai. That was disgraceful. Horrible. He would never subject Nikolai to that. Anything free was given out of the heart; anything paid for was agony and work.

"Not a tease..." Ren shook his head fervently, "Just take it off for a second... Anything; I need... I can't..." Ren tore his eyes off Nik and to the carpet once more. Images: sex; money; smoke; smiles. Laughter, nonchalance, small-talk. Languid hearts. Decaying corpses. "I can't stand to see another 40 year old woman!" Ren cried, pressing his forehead to the ground in his fetal-type bow to Nikolai. Ugliness. Compliments. Pretend. Act. Thrust. Exhaustion.

"Disgusting, putrid bodies..." Ren mumbled his thoughts aloud now, gritting his teeth, "Wrinkles and tan skin... Lipstick... Rot, decay... whores..." Ren opened his eyes but for a minute, catching a glimpse of Nikolai's foot. He reached out for it, methodically clawing at Nikolai's pant leg; thinking about touching the skin, but then scolding himself, and back again, "Please! I'm begging you..." Ren yelled to Nikolai's leg, his body racked with sobs which would not surface past his eyes. He couldn't cry.

Ren toyed with the idea of just telling Nikolai - if he would understand. Just let it all out - let the chips fall. Tell Nik about the prostitution. It was right on the tip of his tongue anyway, just waiting to burst out - to tell somebody. But Ren couldn't. And even if he did, that alone would not clear much up for Nikolai anyway. Why Ren did things and all. What he was doing now. Why he was so desperate to see and feel young flesh. In fact, Ren could hardly understand it himself.

[Kiyoshi Nikolai]

Nikolai had no idea what was going on.

It was a first for him, because there was always a way for him to understand things, always a way for him to get what he wanted out of people and be done with them, always a way to feel what it is that confused him -just as long as he looked into the past. Into the visions. Into the nightmares.
They were the root of everything, they were the fearsome knowledge that allowed him to see everything, they were his only way of understanding people now. Understanding their feelings. Their emotions. Understanding through feeling what it was that drove them.

He had a hypothesis about his father that might explain a bit of how his twisted powers turned out the way they were.
Vander Sharde must have been an Empath.
One whom can ultimately feel the emotions of others. Either that or he’d been a Sympath. One whom can manipulate other’s emotions and make them feel whatever it is that they want.

“Don’t you understand what it is that your mother is feeling, Nik?”

It made perfect sense when he recalled some of the ‘nightmares’ he had bore witness to upon the hours and hours he’d watched over his sister’s bed.

”Hime, I did it for you! I did it for you!”

The fights, the arguments, even daily life -almost every time he’d felt a certain kind of emotion in some being around his father, the feelings had seemed to corrupt his father soon afterward. Like a mirror.

”Hey kiddo, you don’t look so good. Ah, don’t tell me. Did your mother do that awful thing again and compare you and your brother? You know she only means the best for you, right?”

The emotions would just resound off of the source and then dwell inside his father’s depths until they were ten times as strong as they had originally been.

”Please keep it down Aya-dear, your mother seems to have had a very trying night at the hospital. We wouldn’t want to incur the wrath of my Celestial Angel, now would we?”

At the time, his younger self had only thought his father must be a very kind person, a very understanding and caring person whom shared in others pain, whom understood them upon listening and watching them.

”You better thank your mother, Nikolai. She barely was able to have the School keep you on with all that lying you keep doing. She had to stay on the phone with them for hours before they finally agreed.”

But he’d been wrong.

Upon looking back now, far more grown in maturity and the knowledge despair and pain brings you, in how they forced you to grow up faster -he didn’t believe that anymore. His father hadn’t been a kind person. His memories of the lawyer were very few and often confusing so he guessed, as a child, he’d decided what he wanted in a father must have been his father.

”I don’t want to hear another word about your obscene lies! If you wanted such attentions then you could have just called us.”

Such stupidity.

The ‘nightmares’ he looked upon now told him different things, ugly things -for the emotions he’d actually ‘seen’ that were that man’s true, own, emotions were dark, twisted, and ugly. He didn’t need to be a mind reader with the post cognition powers he’d been cursed with, he was able to understand the evil bastard fully.
The only words that ever had escaped that man’s lips were half-truths and riddles, twisted, dark comments of what he truly wished to become reality. He’d always joked off the weird words afterwards, after already upsetting his companions and growing off of their feelings, enjoying their uncomfortable emotions, laughing insanely in their faces. The man had had an obsessive compulsive streak about anything that was his own, for it was not to be touched, not to be even breathed on if it wasn’t your own. He didn’t remember a time when his father could make the people around him feel generously at home, feel generously welcome. When at home, the man always tried to dedicate himself to his family, always tried to jump into any activity they had been doing in his stead. The ‘nightmares’ made him believe that the empathic abilities his father must have had were like a drug -he had to be around someone else, had to be feeling their emotions, just had to be influencing them in some way to turn those emotions into the dark thoughts that always plagued his head. His father was the type of man to kill the spider seconds away from eating the butterfly caught in it‘s web, to fulfill his sister’s childish wish to save the thing and yet to destroy the outcome of her misery when she ultimately had wanted to save them both. His way of thinking was straight and narrow, black and white, there was good and there was bad, there was hate and there was love, there was strength and then there was cowardice. He had been a monster in the guise of a lovely angel with his golden hair and ocean eyes that were twins to his sister and older brother’s looks.

He could never forgive that man.
For if his hypothesis was correct, then the man had known he hadn’t been lying every time he had spoken about the ‘nightmares’ as a child. He had to have known the despairing emotions that were always with Nik, he’d had to have been aware of how he’d been suffering. In fact, Vander Sharde had always seemed upset, oddly enraged when he’d spoken about the ‘nightmares.’ As if the man had been jealous of his own gift, as if he didn’t think he needed to share in his empathic abilities, as if the powers were like his client’s notes -off-limits to anyone-else’s eyes and touch.
But he’d had to of fed off of Nikolai’s emotions, the man had been around him a lot every time he’d gotten home. Even when Nik would purposely try to lock himself up in the confines of his own room, where he’d let loose, break down and pray that if there was a god -he would remove the binding curse laid down upon him.
It made him question where the ‘wings’ came from. The wings his older brother and sister were stuck with. The wings that had killed the bright child his father must have loved so much.
For he’d left them afterwards.

Nikolai had spent a good deal of his inheritance on trying to find his father, at first. He’d believed it was the secret to controlling his powers. If his father was an Empath, a Sympath, a whatever -he could help him learn control somehow. Couldn’t he?
But his father hadn’t been found and the man hadn’t even shown his face after the kidnapping of the only son he had left had taken place, after his mother had suitably paid off the kidnappers most of their father‘s wealth, after months passed and Nik still hadn’t been returned to her. After all of the tabloids had spouted on about his supposed ‘tragic death,’ after his dear sister made a public announcement to the kidnappers to return him if they had any sort of heart.
He hadn’t shown face.

And even now, Nik found his hatred for that man to be to an insanely dangerous degree in himself that even at just thinking of the corrupted demon he‘d felt an urge to hit something, to break something, to tear something apart. But his thoughts had only led him there because: right now, he had no idea what the hell was going on. And if he had his father’s abilities, he’d probably be able to understand what it was that Saito was wanting from him, whatever it was that this man was feeling right now, whatever it was that was upsetting the man enough to crumple onto the ground at Nik‘s latest rejection.
He’d have a look through his ‘nightmares’ but that would only tell of past events -he’d be able to feel whatever the man had wanted in the last few seconds -but not right now, not at this moment, not at this time. He’d be able to observe the man’s feelings as he’d let him inside, as he’d handed him the treats, as he’d desperately searched for a cigarette, as he’d made his first two requests. But not right now, not at the present. And this was assuming that the apartment didn’t hold any other, stronger emotional stains from past events that would attract his abilities senses far easier, that would make him unstable, that would further destroy what was left of him.

"Not a tease..." Blond locks swirled about the man’s slumped position on the floor, golden tresses that were allowing a memory of anger to surge through the distant fear he’d tried holding back. "Just take it off for a second... Anything; I need... I can't..." The words were confusing pleas, confusing riddles he hadn’t a care to even try and associate with at this second. He knew these words were important to the man, that his requests were being played for some greater purpose. But his burning eyes insured that only anger surfaced his thoughts, only anger drove him, only anger looked down at the broken angel before him, hiding behind the beauty of his hair, his body shaking from dry sobs as the impossible requests continued to play from his wicked mouth.

"I can't stand to see another 40 year old woman!" The cry followed the bow of servitude and yet Nikolai ignored the emotion placed in both, ignored the yearning, desires he knew were still inside the depths of those ocean eyes. The words were just more riddles he hadn’t a care to try and understand, more confusing glimpses of this man’s real thoughts. Normally he’d probably have stopped glaring the man down by then, would have paused, raised an eyebrow and questioned him: ‘Wait. What? Forty year old woman?’ But not now, not when he had so much anger inside of him, not when this man was making him feel things he hadn’t felt in years, not when Sai-chan was the one before him close to tears and begging for the impossible. "Disgusting, putrid bodies...Wrinkles and tan skin... Lipstick... Rot, decay... whores..." He couldn’t know what he was asking, he couldn’t know what he was demanding of Nikolai. But then, he could, couldn’t he? He understood Nik hated to be touched, he understood Nik stayed his distance from others, he understood the stranglehold that Nik kept over his emotions.

The desperately tight hold that Sai-chan placed upon his ebony dress slacks, around his ankle, the man’s nails digging into the thick fabric, touching him and yet not touching him -that’s what must have calmed him down a bit. For his eyes still burned their enchanting ruby glow yet the rage behind them had dropped significantly in its force and a different emotion was surging forth on those souls. Sympathy.
"Please! I'm begging you..." It didn’t stop him from the instant reaction he’d always give to someone if they grabbed at his leg like this blond was. He kicked that foot out, dislodging the man’s hand, not meaning to actually ’kick’ the man, not meaning to hurt anything or anyone really. Just meaning to put a halting stop on any further touching. Any further sharing.
“Lay off and go take your prescription or something, looney.” He all but growled as his third rejection of the day although still not taking his eyes off of the man, eyes still holding that stupid emotion within them. An emotion he knew would backfire on him like it always did. “Seriously, man. Are you okay? Do you want me to go get someone for you?” Nik eyed the door in a passive glance, then staring over at the kitchen like he was wishing for the tea to come bring itself out to them, to come serve them and give them something else to talk about, just something else. His hands were clenched into solid fists at either side of him, seconds away from pushing himself off of the couch and getting to his feet. Where he could then feel safer, where he’d be able to run, to hide, to fight back.

[Saito Ren]

Freddy. He didn't even have a ghost. Ren couldn't even get the chance to apologize. God, he begged for Freddy to appear; fervently exhausted all his senses looking for the guy, but to no avail. And it seemed that the more Ren was refused by Nikolai, the more heart-pounding emotions that ran through his body, the more Freddy's presence seemed to be alive in the room. Not in any place particular, but the whole room. He was everywhere; the memories were everywhere. Even here, on this couch, only the roles reversed. Nikolai was Ren. And Ren was Freddy. It was so exhaustingly ironic...

Nikolai's leg agitatedly flung itself to be rid of Ren's grasp, and even though no damage was done physically, the emotional effect was like a slap in the face. Ren's pale hands dropped to the floor, along with the rest of his body, not wanting to see the haunting red burn to Nikolai's possessed eyes. Ren merely lowered himself to the level of the floor and let his face and side rest there, taking a moment to breath and perhaps regain some control. He was dizzy; the floor like the only stationary platform which he could hold onto. Somehow his glasses had slipped off of his face, resting solemnly on the ground, brushed by his golden hair.

Ren never realized how much rejection hurt - as he was the one who usually did the rejecting. He didn't understand it until now; he didn't know about it until now. And, unfortunately, now was a little too late. Heartache. And this was merely a taste - Freddy had been experiencing this for a year - or even longer! Now Ren could understand why love, lust, and unsatisfaction drove people to do crazy things. Now Ren understood why Romeo killed himself for Juliet, and vis-versa. It was, indeed, a horrible existence to live alone.

Looney. Yes. Perhaps it was so. Crazy. Insane. Ren didn't know... He didn't even know if it was his own feelings for Nikolai, or Freddy's, or if he even had feelings. Confusion. Messiness. Ren just laid quietly for a long moment, staring blankly away. He couldn't process much more. He couldn't think about such things. He could only feel. He felt sadness. And anger. And heartache; oh, glorious heartache. He felt pity and shame and humility and humiliation. What was Nikolai still doing here? Why didn't he run away? His presence tortured the once dormant emotional strings of Ren.

"I'm sorry..." Ren replied weakly to the utter realization that he had no one to get. Those words which he wanted so much to tell his deceased best friend. The welling tears finally spilled over, Ren burying his face in his hair to escape Nikolai's impending crimson eyes, "No, don't worry about me. I'm just a wretched creature. Don't even look at me..." Ren's strong voice tried to emerge once more, out of the once pitious one and through the tears as strongly as he could. The attempt was shakey, but admirable.

Ren slowly sat up, quickly wiping his blood-shot eyes as inconspiciously as possible. He was picking up the pieces ever so slightly; damaged, bruised, and bleeding. He brought himself to face Nikolai meekly; his own face devoid of any certain emotion (for he had thousands). He merely looked up to Nikolai silently, expressing a great amount of sorrow in those oceanic eyes. Sorrow for putting Nikolai through this. Sorry for Freddy. Loathing himself for not being stronger. Wondering if it was a good idea to never see Nikolai again. That idea, however, broke his heart.

Such beautifully terrifying eyes... Ren had noticed them as an attribute to whenever it seemed Nikolai was in a particularily tense emotional situation. So wild and raw; piercing, as if he could see everything wrong with Ren. Everything weak and scared. But, somehow, Ren was okay with it. In Nikolai's menacing gaze Ren wanted to bask forever, a servent to his master's fury. Just like Freddy was.

Are you going to do anything about it?

No. I can’t – But, Ren -

Then shut up.

What’s your problem? We’ve been over this hundreds of times - !

Attachments are the bane of existence. I don’t have a grudge. Freddy. You know this isn’t personal.

I know; because apparently, you aren’t human. You’re not… anything. You’re nothing. Can you even feel pain anymore? Why did you even bother?

I don’t know.

What happened to you?

I’m tired. I’m going to bed.

What am I supposed to do?

Go away.

You know what – no! I will not go away. I’m not going to leave you here alone with yourself! And it makes me so dammed mad because even if I wanted to leave, I couldn’t. Nope. It is physically impossible for my body to walk out that door in this state because I am so hopelessly – hopelessly – hopelessly --!

In love with me?

Yes! No! No, hopelessly in love with the Saito Ren that I once knew. I don’t love you – I love him. And you’re… just a tease. You’re never going to change back and I can’t stand it. I can’t. You’re an idiot. You’re the only thing that I have to hold on to during this time and you are slowly slipping through my fingers…

Attachments are the bane of existence. You can’t get hurt if you aren’t attached to anything. Stop trying to be a part of something that doesn’t want you.

"I love you, Kiyoshi-sama!"

Ren burst, the voice of someone else guiding his, immediately taking the direct course of action to embrace Nikolai around the waist - as tight as he could from the positioning on the couch. This desperate attack, Ren knew, would probably provoke Nikolai to the highest degree - but Ren didn't care. He wanted, more than anything, to try to convince Nikolai. To see if there was, indeed, any hope for redemption. To see if Freddy had only tried a little harder... if it was possible. Ren's tight, yet soft, grasp around Nikolai's slender waist was more than words could describe. Ren's whole being seemed to flow and melt onto Nikolai.